Wednesday, August 26, 2015

So last night, that bottomless dirty martini seemed like a great idea. What could go wrong? In the harsh light of day, I see the flaws in getting a little drunk on a Tuesday. I’ve been trying so hard lately to eat healthy and work out, blah blah blah, but last night I was celebrating my darling friend’s birthday, and all bets were off. We reached the bottom of our bottomless martinis, then went on to a great sushi dinner, where the wine flowed freely. Needless to say, by the time I got home last night, my self-control was gone and I wanted ALL THE CARBS. The scale was up 2.5 pounds this morning, but you know what? It was worth it. There are few things more important in life than great friends, and they are worth celebrating in a major way. 

There’s a lot going on today, friends, so let’s jump in. Starting on a serious note, French prosecutors say that Ayoub El-Khazzani, the Moroccan national who sought to wreak havoc on a train from Amsterdam to Paris, had terrorist intent and will be charged accordingly. I know that they were going for a legal distinction so that they could pin him with a more serious charge, but am I the only one saying NO SHIT SHERLOCK? I mean, the guy brought an assault rifle with 270 rounds of ammunition on board a train. That’s not exactly the ammunition one would use to steal someone’s wallet. French officials are also saying that El-Khazzani had help and that he couldn’t offer a credible answer as to how he purchased the weapons, where he got the money for a first class ticket, or who disabled his Facebook account the day after the attacks. Not shockingly, El-Khazzani also watched jihadi videos before assembling his assault rifle in the bathroom of the train. Thank God for the bravery of those passengers, otherwise we would be in an international state of mourning this week. 

Last night at a press conference in Dubuque, Iowa, Donald Trump kicked Univision reporter Jorge Ramos out of a press conference. On a personal note, I was working my way toward the bottom of my bottomless dirty martini when I saw this come up on CNN, and my friend and I just laughed and laughed. I find that I tolerate Trump better when I’m a little bit toasted. Apparently, Trump kicked Ramos out of the press conference because Ramos stood up and began asking questions without being called on. Ramos was later allowed to return, Trump called on him, and Ramos launched into questions about how Trump would be successful in building a 1,900 mile wall along the border between the US and Mexico. Trump’s response? “Very easy. I’m a builder.” THAT’S WHAT HE ACTUALLY SAID. As if the real problem is construction, not the cost, or the efficacy of the wall, or any of the myriad other problems that accompany a physical wall between two countries. Trump also told Ramos, “I have a bigger heart than you do.” When did “heart” become a euphemism for penis? 

Finally, the parents of a twelve year old boy are suing his boarding school because the boarding school upgraded its wifi, and its allegedly making the kid sick. The Fay School, in Southboro, Massachusetts, got a stronger wifi signal in 2013, and since then the boy has allegedly been suffering increased symptoms relating to his “Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity Syndrome.” Yeah, I’ve never heard of it either, and it sounds made up to me, too. The boy’s symptoms reportedly include headaches, nausea, and nose bleeds, which could also be attributed to the anxiety the poor kid felt at being shipped off to boarding school at the age of twelve. The parents are seeking $250,000 in damages, and want the school to switch to Ethernet. Tuition for a seventh-grade boarding student runs around $60k. Here’s a tip for the parents: send your kid to public school, take care of him yourself, and you’ll save $250k right there. And I guarantee he won’t get sick, because his local public school probably doesn’t even have wifi. 

Have a great day everyone! xoxo

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