Thursday, August 27, 2015

So yesterday I went to weather.com to check out how the weekend weather is looking for my cousin’s wedding. In typical overly dramatic fashion, the Weather Channel is freaking out about Tropical Storm Erika and its increasing proximity to Florida. The headline read “Florida in Erika’s Cone of Uncertainty.” I just thought to myself, man, what a perfect term for how I feel about most things in life – we’re all just swirling in a Cone of Uncertainty, and despite our best efforts to control everything, we have no idea how things are going to turn out. I try to provide a light spin on what’s going on in the world, because there’s SO MUCH sadness, and if you want the real story, I know you’re going to just turn on one of the networks (except NBC, where you’re going to get a somewhat exaggerated story… sorry, Brian Williams).  But I can’t ignore what happened yesterday in Virginia. Yesterday’s shooting on-air of two journalists by a disgruntled employee is a startling example of how fragile everyone is, and how little it takes for someone to snap. When I mentioned the on-air shooting to a colleague, he said to me, “Where was that, in Syria?” He was shocked when I told him it was in VIRGINIA. 

I’m not really sure why gun control and mental health are such taboo topics in this country, but they are. I’m a Republican, and I fully support some measure of gun control. Many Republicans base their disdain for gun control on the 2nd Amendment, arguing that the Founders wanted us to be able to have guns in our homes. Yes. The Founders did want us to be able to have weapons in our homes. To defend against the big, bad, scary BRITISH. They also thought it was fine to only give the right to vote to land-owning white men, and to count blacks as three-fifths of a human being. I think it’s pretty obvious that times have changed since then, so I’m not sure why the Republican Party thinks that we should be allowing any old Joe Crazy to legally possess a handgun. The British aren’t really a threat anymore. And we’ve got one of those standing army things, which we didn’t have back then. It’s time to revise our gun control policies, Republicans. It’s gone too far. 

Sorry for the long rant, but I had to get that off my chest. Let’s move on to the trial of Owen Labrie, the 19-year old St. Paul’s student who allegedly forced himself on a younger female student as part of a very fratty “Senior Salute.” According to Labrie, who took the stand yesterday, he removed the girl’s shirt and pants and put on a condom but then he “didn’t feel like” having sex with her anymore. So they stopped. I don’t want to generalize here, but I have literally NEVER heard of a teenaged boy who thinks he’s so close to getting laid that he puts on a condom and then is just like, nah, you know what, I don’t feel like it anymore. I’m good. Does anybody actually buy that?! Good grief. This kid wants to go to Harvard Divinity School once this trial is over. I hope he’s okay with reading the Bible from his prison cell, because I think it’s far more likely that’s where he’s heading. 

For all those kids heading back to school this week, please take note: selfies can give you head lice. Wisconsin physician Sharon Rink says that she has seen an increase in cases of head lice in older children in recent years, due to what she calls “social media lice.” Kids put their heads together to take selfies, lice transfers from one head to another, and it spreads. Having twice had head lice myself (as an adult, thanks to cuddling cute but infested small children), I can tell you that head lice is no laughing matter. Kids, do yourselves a favor, and for the love of God ask someone to take your damn photo. Keep your heads to yourself. 

 Last thing: the incredibly hilarious and supremely talented Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence are writing a movie together in which they play sisters. I need to play the third sister in that movie. I just have to. It makes so much sense.

Have a great day friends! xoxo

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